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CheekyBugga.
CheekyBugga.-
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LadyAngel
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Someone’s stolen our tent.”
Dirty SocksA young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very fortunate to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says,
“Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Groaners!Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a saltedA jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”An Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman walk into a pub.
The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club…
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar “Pint of best” he says
to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent
Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and
says “Are you Vincent Van Gogh?”
“Yes” the old man replies “do you want a pint?”
No,ta. I’ve got one ‘ere.”A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his
arm and says:
“Pint please, and one for the road.”THESE ARE EVEN WORSE
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,
phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her
clogs.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who
shot my paw.”Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend
dental medication.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?
A small medium at large!Big finale…..
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other
goes to a family in Spain,they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins.
If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”:rolleyes:
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
karen lorraine
Re: A few jokes :)
Groan!
They gave me a giggle!TofuSnorlax
Re: A few jokes :)
Saved the best for last!
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
They’re terrible, aren’t they! lol
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
Jamjar – RIP
Re: A few jokes :)
Two puddles of sick where walking down the street, when one turned to the other one and said “I was brought up around here!” :puke::puke:
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
Jamjar;3214 wrote:Two puddles of sick where walking down the street, when one turned to the other one and said “I was brought up around here!” :puke::puke:I knew before I saw the name that this could only come from JJ! 😮
It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” — and promptly slams the phone down.His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies. “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Where would you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it!
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
An old snake goes to see his Doctor.“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”.
The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join The circus?” The dog replies: “Well, what would the circus want with a plumber”.
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left….then to the right….right through the front door, into the str eet, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says…
“He should have quit while he was a head.”
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
Why it’s better to be a Woman!
We got off the Titanic first.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
Men
He does not have a FAT BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLY CHALLENGED.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK – He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS – He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU – He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB – He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES – He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
karen lorraine
Re: A few jokes :)
HaHa! So funny!
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
Computer Jokes
Computer Users Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people’s computers.
===================================================================
Half The Job “This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I’ll take two.”
===================================================================
Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
===================================================================
Dear Agony Aunt
Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are in prison and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for murdering her parents.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
LarryPlease post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
LadyAngel
Re: A few jokes :)
Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
Please post all support requests in the forums if at all possible
karen lorraine
Re: A few jokes :)
They are getting better?!
CheekyBugga
Re: A few jokes :)
ROFLMAO!!!!!!! For once I’m speechless!! hahahaah Absolutely AWESOME!!! Except JJ’S I’m still thinking about that Joke!! haha
LadyAngel
karen lorraine
TofuSnorlax
Jamjar – RIP
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